Tag Archive for 'satire'

A Solution to the Conception-Definition Issue

Published on July 19, 2008 in Serious Political Commentary. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , .

It recently came to my attention that the US Department of Health and Human Services is currently circulating a proposal that states in completely clear, not-at-all vague and meaningless, terms:

Because the statutes that would be enforced through this regulation seek, in part, to protect individuals and institutions from suffering discrimination on the basis of conscience, the conscience of the individual or institution should be paramount in determining what constitutes abortion, within the bounds of reason. [...] The Department proposes, then, to allow individuals and institutions to adhere to their own views and adopt a definition of abortion that encompasses both views of abortion.

–HHS-45-CFR, p.17

Effectively, what this appears to mean is that, as in institution, you’re still eligible for government funding regardless of the institution’s beliefs (and policies) regarding abortion. While on the surface that policy is  about as amazingly engaging at that text itself, this results in a more interesting side effect when taking into consideration certain arguments regarding hormonal and emergency contraceptives, which some argue are abortive in and of themselves (more so in the case of the latter).  In this vein, such an act would make it perfectly legal for medical instutitions to deny such contraceptive measures as they see fit.

As such, I myself see I need to propose my solution to the problem.  Consider that those of the pro-life ideological camp generally classify abortion as a type of murder due to the destruction of a potential life.  Also consider that every second you’re not engaged in sexual intercourse, you could be conceiving a child.  Think: every sexless minute of everyone’s lives, people are are ending millions, if not billions, of potential lives.  With this in mind, I present to you my improved definition of abortion (based on the original present in HHS-45-CFR), which surely will immediately be selected by the DHHS to replace its current wording:

An abortion is the termination of a pregnancy. While commonly held views on the question of when a pregnancy begins differ, we believe that a simple definition, satisfying to most parties, can be used. We present that any action that destroys human life after or prior to conception is the termination of a pregnancy, and so would be included in our definition of the term “abortion.”

And there you have it.

Restaurant Review: Ewing’s Finest

Published on March 24, 2008 in News and Reviews. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

When Community Commons served its first meal almost sixteen years ago, its amenities–from its diverse cuisine to its luxury second and third story guestrooms–immediately became the stuff of legend among its esteemed clientèle.  However, its mysterious companion establishment, a venue specializing in fine dining as opposed to the cafeteria style arrangement of its sibling, remains somewhat of an enigma.

This venue is, of course, the 1855 Room, named for the founding year of the college on whose campus it was constructed.  Among the few restaurants of its kind in the Ewing area, the 1855 Room, located just over two miles east of the Trenton Mercer Airport’s main terminal, enjoys a privileged position among similarly-priced establishments.

The main dining room’s décor, echoing that of perhaps Le Bec-Fin in Philadelphia, can only be described as a triumph of form and function.  Glass coverings on tables, for example, both enhance the appearance of the tablecloths and prevent them from becoming stained, a small but important step towards a more sustainable restaurant.  Artwork adorning the room’s walls proudly displays images from the establishment’s heritage, lending the entire area a historical ambience greatly differing from the cold, sterile look of most competing chain restaurants.

The menu at the 1855 Room is fairly nonconventional, presenting only a limited selection of food.  However, while seemingly disappointing, this limited selection allows the 1855 Room to achieve its legendary rapidity of service, the speed of which rivals even that of the quickest fast-food establishments.

The meals available included classic restaurant staples such as Shrimp Scampi, Flank Steak, and Grilled Tilapia.  Garnished with a sprinkling of parsley, the steak is quite excellent, as is the shrimp.  One would do well to punctuate any meal at the 1855 room with an item from the restaurant’s dessert selections, which include pies and various types of cookies, a refreshing diversion from the mundane menus found at similar establishments.  The cookies, served from an impeccably arranged platter, feature a supreme variety of colors and flavors, ranging from classic varieties like chocolate chip to the more exotic such as fudge cookies interfused with macadamia nuts and white chocolate chips.

After a meal at the 1855 Room, one may do well to visit the various nearby attractions, such as the noteworthy Alumni Grove nearby, or the historic Green Farm House located just up the road, all whilst enjoying an after-dinner mint, provided courteously by the establishment.

Why Ron Paul Will Win This November

Published on March 6, 2008 in News. 1 Comment Tags: , , , , .

ronpaul You may remember it–several months ago, Congressman and 2008 presidential hopeful Ron Paul was at the top of his game: the grassroots momentum, the vast influx of donations from supporters, his pro-constitution views, and the rest.  However, times change, and sure enough, as the first results came in, things didn’t quite go as planned: Paul, while receiving over 10% of the vote, failed to win the Iowa caucuses.  A setback, to be sure, but after all, what’s one state?  However, as the primaries went on, things began to look grim: first, the Wyoming caucuses went to Romney, then New Hampshire, thought to be a bastion of support, fell to McCain.  More states followed.

Then came super Tuesday.  Many of us were hopeful that Paul would be able to stage a comeback, and enter his rightful place as Republican front runner.  However, as the results slowly tricked in throughout the day, it became clear the this wouldn’t be the case.  With the majority of states voting that day having turned against Paul, chances of his nomination grew slim to none.  Furthermore, in a move of supreme foresight, Paul declared that, while he would remain in the race, he would not pursue the presidency as a third-party:  (perhaps a certain other individual could learn a thing or two from Paul)

Of course, I am committed to fighting for our ideas within the Republican party, so there will be no third party run.

–Ron Paul, in a February 8th blog post

Fast-forward to today.  Ron Paul while winning over 42 delegates from various states, is now presented with a particular challenge: the mathematical impossibility of his nomination.  While his selfless commitment to not running as a third-party is certainly noble, it considerably decreases the probability of his becoming president–or does it?

1964RepublicanPresidentialPrimariesLet’s look back in time a bit.  Anyone remember Henry Lodge?  No?  In the 1964 Republican Primary, Lodge was notable  for having won in three states: New Hampshire, New Jersey, and Massachusetts–without campaigning!  In fact, he was serving as an ambassador in Vietnam during the primary, and wasn’t even in the United States at the time–many still refer to his “campaign” as “walking for President”.  However, his winning of these states was no accident–a group of dedicated individuals had worked tirelessly in the weeks leading up to the primary to promote Lodge as a viable candidate.  Now, you may be asking, what does this all have to do with Ron Paul?

It has, in fact, everything to do with Paul’s 2008 campaign.  Keep in mind that, in 1964, the Internet didn’t yet exist.  All the campaigning by Lodge’s supporters was done without the aid of social networking, email, instant messaging, or even cellular phones.  If such a tactic could be applied in modern times, Paul’s support could indeed skyrocket, regardless of whether or not his name appears on the ballot!  So keep on Digging, and maybe, just maybe, there can be, to quote Paul’s campaign slogan, “Hope for America.”